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Another chance to read some of those pre-historic jokes that you'd really hoped would never dare to darken your door again.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a really bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word that came out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite things to it, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the amazing change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I enquire what the turkey did?"
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie please?"
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The barman is now intrigued by the rabbit, as are the extra drinkers in the pub, because the word has got round. He gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and then leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman".
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie, please barman".
The barman says, "I'm very sorry rabbit, old mate, but we're right out of ham and cheese toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd is silenced.
The barman clears his throat nervously and says "We do have a very nice cheese and onion toastie".
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The barman says, "Do you think I would let down one of my best friends? I know you'll love it".
"Okay", says the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a cheese and onion toastie".
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves. Never to return.
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, who has only served four drinks all night, three of which were his own, calls time.
As he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you?"
He is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to visit your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. Masses came to see you and this pub became famous".
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any ham and cheese toasties. You had a cheese and onion one instead".
The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?"
"I died", said the rabbit.
"Oh no!" said the barman. "What from?"
After a short pause, the rabbit said "Mixing me toasties!"
Do you know all about atheism?
It's strictly a non-prophet organisation!
Did you hear about the cannibal who ate a missionary?
He got a taste of religion!
Did you hear about the backward poet?
He wrote inverse!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
So he could be poultry in motion!
The small boy swallowed some coins so his mother took him to the hospital.
When his father rang to ask how he was getting on, back came the answer "No change yet"!
Why do witches ride broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
What kind of cereal do witches like to eat?
One that goes snap, cackle and pop!
Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing this spinning insect.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going round!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a tortoise
Don't worry, we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling very well!
Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed a camera.
Well, let's hope nothing serious develops!
How does a ghoul address his letters?
"Tomb it may concern..."
What do you call two spiders who have just got married?
What has six legs, bites and talks in code?
Where did Noah keep his bees?
How do fleas get from one place to another?
What happens when ducks fly upside-down?
They quack up!
What do you get if you cross a duck with a genius?
A wise quacker!
What do duck decorators do?
They paper over the quacks!
What do you get if you cross a fridge with a stereo?
How much do you need to know to get a job as an auctioneer?
Who is the most famous married woman in the United States of America?
Why has nobody ever stolen a canal?
Because they have too many locks!
How do you make sure your ghost is standing perfectly upright?
Use a spirit level!
Why do sailors always take a bar of soap when they jump overboard during a shipwreck?
To make sure they can wash themselves ashore!
What is a frog's favourite drink?
Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide!
So the inflatable schoolboy got up one morning and stuck a pin in his inflatable parents.
Off he went to his inflatable school and immediately stuck a pin in that.
Aghast, he then stuck the pin in himself.
His teacher turned to him and said, "You've let your parents down, you've let the school down, but most importantly, you've let yourself down."
A boy arrived home after school one day, with a brand new sofa, and two new armchairs.
His dad immediately grabbed him and asked, "What have I told you about taking suites from strangers?"
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
Where do Santa's little helpers go to relax after the festive season?
The elf farm!
What type of cake flies through the air and then comes back to you?
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a garden hose?
A jumbo jet!
What type of bird digs for coal?
A myna bird!
So this bloke walks into the doctor's surgery and says "I've hurt my arm in several places".
"Well" says the doctor, "don't go back there any more".
So this bloke walks into the doctor's surgery with a strawberry growing out of his left ear.
"Don't worry" says the doctor, "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
Our local ice cream man was found dead, covered in hundreds and thousands, on the floor of his van the other day.
The police report says he topped himself.
Did you hear about the bloke who went out to buy some camouflage trousers?
He couldn't find any!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
A strong currant dragged him in!
Did you hear about the two blondes who walked into a building?
You'd have expected at least one of them to see it!
Reports are coming in of Ireland's worst ever air disaster. A small, two-seater, Cessna plane has crashed into a cemetery.
The Irish search and rescue team have recovered 1,934 bodies so far and expect the number to increase as the digging continues into the night.
Our local police arrested two youngsters the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged the first and let the other one off!
How do you know when your driving's been complimented?
Somebody puts a sign on your windscreen saying "parking fine"!
What has six legs and a trunk?
A fly on holiday!
How does a musician remember his Chopin?
He always takes a Liszt!
What do Australians call tough Englishmen?
So the vicar is trying to encourage young Johnny in the ways of religion and the church.
"Do you pray before your meals?" he asks the youngster.
"No", says the boy, "There's no need, Mum's quite a good cook".
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank!
Why don't bananas ever get lonely?
Because they always go around in bunches!
Police to meet you!
Doughnut open until your birthday!
What do you call a cow stuck on an icy lake?
As she lay the duck on the examination table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure?" the woman protested. "I mean, you haven't done any tests on him. He might just be in a coma, or something like that."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a chocolate Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood up on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and slowly sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.
He returned a little later with a beautiful Persian Cat. The cat jumped up on the examination table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat then sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed quietly and then jumped off the table and strolled slowly out of the room.
The vet turned to the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely, one hundred percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and looked at it. "£150!", she cried. "£150 just to tell me that my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry, madam, but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been just £20."
"It was the Lab Report and the Cat Scan which made it so much more expensive."
Why shouldn't you adopt a dwarf with learning difficulties?
Because it's not big and it's not clever!
What do you call a man who steals pigs?
A ham burglar!
What do you get if you cross a shark with a snowman?
An icy snap!
What's exceedingly wobbly when it flies through the air?
What's grey and lights up in the dark?
An electric elephant!
How does a farmer check how many animals are in his heard?
With a cowculator!
What is the fastest vegetable in the world?
A runner bean!
Mrs Jones walks into the kitchen to find her husband madly waving a fly swatter around in the air.
"What are you doing?" she asks him.
"I'm hunting flies!" he responds.
"Have you killed any yet?" she asks.
"Yes" he replies, "Three male and two female".
Intrigued, she enquires "How on earth can you tell their sex?".
"Easy" he retorts, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".
Harry, the Englishman, is wandering around the Austrian ski resort when he sees a chap wearing a red and yellow striped jumper.
Harry goes up to the chap and asks "Excuse me, are you a skier?".
"No, I'm not a skier" comes the reply.
The next day Harry sees the chap again, goes up to him and again asks "Excuse me, I was just wondering, are you a skier?".
"No, as I told you yesterday, I'm not a skier" says the chap in the jumper.
On the third day Harry sees the same chap yet again and this time asks "Excuse me, I'm still wondering, are you a skier?".
The chap in the jumper is now quite angry and retorts "Look here, as I keep on telling you, I'm not a skier, I'm a tobogganist".
"Oh good" says Harry, "In that case I'll have twenty Silk Cut and a box of matches please".
So this duck walks into a fish and chip shop and asks "Have you got any wallpaper?".
The bloke behind the counter looks up and says "No, sorry sir, we're a fish and chip shop, we don't have wallpaper".
The following day the same duck returns to the same shop and again asks "Have you got any wallpaper?".
The bloke behind the counter replies "No sir, as I told you yesterday, we're a fish and chip shop, we don't have wallpaper".
The next day the self same duck returns to the self same shop and yet again asks "Have you got any wallpaper?".
This time the bloke behind the counter gets quite annoyed and says "Look here, as I keep on telling you, we're a fish and chip shop, we don't have wallpaper. If you come in here and ask that question one more time, I'll nail your beak to the counter".
The following day the duck is back once again at the shop. He walks in and asks the bloke behind the counter "Have you got any nails?".
"No sir, we're a fish and chip shop, we don't have any nails", comes the rather terse reply.
"Oh good" says the duck, "In that case, have you got any wallpaper?".
What's French, 300 metres tall, weighs 7,620 tonnes and is made of jelly?
The Trifle Tower!
How do you know if you've got an elephant hiding in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
What's the difference between a horse and a blacksmith?
Nothing, they'll both make a bolt for the door!
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Hold his nose!
What's purple and shouts for help?
A damson in distress!
The elephants were playing the ants in a game of soccer and at half time the elephants were winning thirteen goals to nil.
When the ants came out after half time, a centipede had joined their team and he scored twenty goals in the second half.
The ants finally won twenty to seventeen and the elephants' manager was congratulating his counterpart for the ants.
"Why didn't that centipede come out for the first half?" asked the elephants' manager.
The ants' manager replied "He was putting his boots on".
So this chap walks into a fishmonger's with a cod under his arm.
"Do you make fish cakes?" he asks the fishmonger.
"Yes, certainly sir" comes the reply.
"Oh good" says the man, "It's his birthday".
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